Pondering

I was going thru my email and i realized that since i placed my name in the match.com.my. Maybe its becoz its an MY site. I have been getting emails but less now than before. But majority are from indians nah.

Made me think really. Lets see. My best friend for years used to be an indian gal. Knew her since kindergarten and up to now am still friends but am not that close no more. That happened after she met mr right and then disappeared from the face of the earth. And now she has surfaced back but i guess we have all along been able to pick off where we left off but i realised to a certain extent the friendship is no longer the same.

Then i looked at my working life. The same thing occur. During my first job - same thing , got to know indian gal first. Then at O also same thing, good friend at work was indian. hmmm..

Then in match. com the same old thingy!!! makes me wonder really. Whats the connection I have with indians.

Funnily my mom when she speaks on the phone, many times people have thought that she is indian. AHHAHA. Maybe its in the genes huh. Too bad though, look wise I am totally chinese.

There was once when i went for this mastery thingy with Y and her husband and myself. It was private session ya. Anyways.. during one session, Y mentioned to the instructor that she has always thought she wanted to marry a chinese and her husband is actually indian. So the instructor asked her, how did that come about? The instructor said somehow inside her she never really affiliated herself to being indian. Either she didn't like being indian or somewhat close to that reasoning. When the instructor said that, i thought about myself. All my life, I didn't like being chinese. I have always thought. Chinese ah.. looks also one kind, hidung penyek, mata sepet. Tak cun langsung. hehehe. Hmmm. maybe unconsciously, I am creating all this attraction to indian. But funny thing is, I dont' think I want to end up with one unless the person is not too indian like. Maybe its just that I like the way, they look ( some of them at least), big eyes, high nose. Something that I dont' posses? Could be.

Thinking alot of about what to do lately. I have decided to be very honest with myself. I realized that deep down inside, I wanted a job but not a job that is too bz or stress nor a job that is just plain boring and nothing to do. I am looking for the median. I have also been honest stating that no matter what people say about oh well at least you get 1 n 3 sat off. It still doesnt' make me feel better. I want to work only 5 days a week.

Then I thought, I want the EM job. But then as I was told during the int, might get calls at nite wor.... do i want that. But its working hours is 5 days loh. MNC loh. I think that's waht I want.

Then i tried to be honest with myself what i dont' like about this current place. Okay I have to be honest, its not as bad as the previous dickhead place but still... there is soemthing still missing. What bugs me the most is the process of getting a bloody software installed. Its been freaking 2 weeks plus, they still haven't installed the O software i need. Gosh.... imagine.. its pretty shitty if you ask me. Too slow a pace, too political how email flies, too much gossipping going around. Pening kepala!!!! Too far from every damn place. I know some people will say, so what.. this area all small things. Yeah small things that eventually gets to you.. little by little.

Considering going to emaus center today! wonder if i should, or should i really prep myself first.

On last thursday, I had dinner with a friend who now relocated back to malaysia from sg. While i was talking to her , she told me that she can sense I am breaking. I told her its true. I feel so close to having a nervous breakdown. at the end of dinner , she said, i noticed you're very concern about what your parents want and expect of you.. what your boss expect of you. But what does "you" want?

so who am I? Where should i start to rediscover myself? How do I begin?